Report Card: Young and The Restless
A+! More, please! (CBS)
Report Card: Young and The Restless.
Aaack! Aaack! Victor’s back! With little pre-fanfare the Dark Knight returned to our favourite Wisconsin town just as I imagined he would all those nights when I tossed and turned dreaming of it: Standing tall and mighty in the doorway of his Newman Enterprises office, scowling. Yum.
Of course, there was a side of me that worried he might return to Genoa City with the demeanor of a young woman with a penchant for professors, ex-boyfriends, and ballet flats, what with Colleen Carlton’s heart now beating in his manly chest, but apparently not.
As the Newman byproduct known as Adam and Nick (or as I like to call them: ‘Nearly Blind’ and ‘Nearly Tree’, respectively) once again found themselves in fisticuffs over Sharon – a woman no two men would ever fight for in real life, though we are liking the stronger version of Sharon that is emerging – Big Daddy arrived back in the town where the drama is always on. ‘What’s going on here?’ The Moustache demanded.
Lots, big boy. Pull up your power chair. We’ll get to your two sons in a moment, but first, have you heard about your pal Kay? It’s a good news and bad news scenario. The good news is that Jo-Jo is not Katherine’s daughter, which is nice, because it means that she won’t be going to the Genoa City gay bar and bringing back to her mansion all those guys in leather chaps again. The bad news is, Tucker McCaul is her son, a fact made even worse because he isn’t yet being played by former Days of our Lives star, Stephen Nichols. Soon though!
Anywho, it seems that Katherine was so drunk during that long ago time when she gave her baby away that she didn’t even know that was a penis not a vagina on her newborn and here we are: long-lost son, not daughter. Not only that, but Tucker’s business machinations have been so crafty that he has trumped Mother Dearest and now owns controlling interest in Chancellor Industries. Happy Mother’s Day indeed.
I always suspected that Neil Winters was a crap businessman, and now that as Katherine’s right hand he has basically proven himself as handy as a hook for fingers, it seems I was correct. Never mind, because check it out! He’s doing what anyone would do if they just let down their boss big-time, split to visit the town see-saw, Ashley, to plant a juicy lascivious kiss on her hungry mouth. Do we like them as a couple? I vote yes, as long as the human teeter-totter can stay on this side of sanity, which could be difficult now that she and Sharon are putting the pieces of the puzzle called Faith together (albeit like two children whose mothers smoked a lot of pot during pregnancy) following the death of Dr. Taylor.
What? You didn’t know Dr. Taylor was dead? And you thought your life moved fast. Yes, dead, dead, dead (say hello to Cassie for us, Doc!). Right outside Jimmy’s, the dive bar where everyone knows your name and your personal business. Confronted by angry Adam, understandably desperate to stop his co-conspirator in the Baby Switch & Beyond plot, an upset Dr. T blindly (it’s contagious!) stepped out onto the busy streets of Genoa City and in front of a moving vehicle (likely fire starter Daisy at the wheel given her newly revealed hobby: Seek & Destroy?).
It gets better. Pop quiz: What sexy redhead just happened to be in the ‘hood shopping for art supplies (it is so handy when art shops and dive bars are close together, don’t you think?) and saw it all go down? Yes, delicious Phyllis, my Y&R alter ego (who’s yours?). Firstly, we love the patent leather driving gloves she was wearing. Secondly, we also bask in the knowledge that she will hold tight to what she heard and saw between Adam and Dr. Taylor like a pit bull with a steak bone. (If only she would unclamp her jaws from her marriage to The Worst Husband Ever and move on to something better deserved.)
Props to Adam though for grace under pressure. I am liking him more and more, despite being pretty much one degree of separation from Satan. A lot of that has to do with the fact I like anyone who make’s Nick’s life miserable because I can’t stand Nick. But our boy Adam also sure can spin one hell of a yarn, and as nimbly as a Riverdancer he explains away Dr. Taylor’s death to Sharon. Then, when Sharon learns that she and Ashley gave birth in the same nuthouse on the same night and that Adam delivered Ashley’s baby, he explains that away too. Like I said: nimble. Give the man a shoestring to tie around his head and you’d think you were in the theatre, head bopping to a Celtic beat.
But it hasn’t all been a blast. Cane and Lily time equals naptime these days. Plus, I’ve known people with cancer. They aren’t sporting knee-high boots looking dewy as they flitter out and about. And while they do get down on life, boy can Lily really squeeze the last drop out of a moment. There she is with her hunka-munka man by her side, her surrogate mother Mac (ugh) in a hospital bed, and there’s the ultra sound showing that they will be having not one but two babies (I had been praying for an Octomom storyline, but should have prayed four times as hard, apparently) and what is Lily focusing on? Some downer memory of when she and Cane were once upon a time pregnant and blah blah blah blah. Stop beating the drum of your past, chickie!
In fact, if you need to be down about something – and it seems you always need to be down about something – please join us in bemoaning the biggest downer in Genoa City: the new Malcolm. I know I know I know that replacing original Malcolm Shemar Moore was probably as easy Sheila Carter coming back looking like Phyllis, getting shot to death, but still managing to come back one more time (can’t wait!), but can we all agree this isn’t working? Mostly for me it’s the old man vibe he gives off, but then there’s the fact that someone more model-esque (I am proudly shallow) wasn’t cast. Isn’t Tyson Beckford available?
Onwards. Dear Heather Stevens: I appreciate that you decided to stop looking like a Maxim magazine cover girl and more like a District Attorney by coloring your hair darker (did you and Nikki confer?) but there’s just one catch: You still look like a Maxim magazine cover girl. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Just sayin’.
Back to you, Vic. When I saw that your beloved Nikki had also colored her hair (A+ by the way!) a lovely brown while overseas in Europe, it did dawn on me that quite possibly, you, too, might come back with a new look (frosted tips?) but no, some things never change.
And that I like. Though I remain curious and confused as to why a man as wealthy as you are would have fake plants instead of real ones in his office (which we got to see when your sons pretty much turned your digs into the set of a Jackass episode), I won’t pressure you any further, what with the new girly heart and all.
Besides, you’ve got enough of a hot glue gun mess on your hands. Enjoy.
Grade: A –
- Shaun Proulx