Mr. Lily Winters

Summer may be dwindling, but it’s not too late to introduce you to my swell new drinking game! I call it “The Little Nikker,” and playing’s easy: When Nikki Newman doesn’t know she’s drinking, you drink too! (Caveat: Do keep a designated driver handy. Anyone but Sean “Meggie” Young.)

Yes, let’s start this Report Card off with a solid grade, for giving the aging stripper a fun story. Just watching her eyeball vodka on Monday’s episode like it was naked Shemar Moore made me tipsy. Can’t wait until she the day arrives she can barely stand. Maybe at her upcoming 32nd wedding to Victor! Grade: A (Bottom’s up!)

A big thanks to Meggie for arriving in Genoa City (Bridesmaid, Nikki?). I forgive the mess that is her hair, and I even forgive Victor. (This is, after all, shaping up to be the second paramour in a row to move in with Victor, only to have a nut job terrorist living under the same roof. Hella?) But it’s all delicious, and almost as nutritious as one of Meggie’s special spiked smoothies! Grade: B+ (Fix that hair!)

Say, I wonder if Gloria will serve such tasty concoctions at Glow Worm?

Love the best new set added to Genoa City in eons. In fact, let’s today also grade a few of the all-important Y&R sets– characters in and of themselves, really. Because frankly, the local church, apparently housing whatever major world religion the writers decide they need that day? Come off it. And that hellhole bar, Jimmy’s (as in: “Jimmy a window and let’s escape this dump!”), where no Newman, Abbott or Chancellor would ever hang but often do? Please. Or Trundles book store? How often do you run into your ex-lover, archenemy, missing child and back-from-the-dead parent all while buying a vintage copy of The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet Who Bit Her Dragon Tattoo?

Exactly.

Next get rid of Crimson Lights. Dull (like, Jana Fisher dull) and a silly place for drama; I’ve tried. Just the other day I confronted the woman who stole my man at my local espresso bar, and got thrown out and ordered to never come back. High drama and Starbucks doesn’t work.

But take a hot spot like Glow Worm. Here’s a locale, as this former club kid can attest, where anything can happen, including a pint size heiress bathing in an oversized champagne glass, and on-probation bartenders shagging scorned redheads against trash bins. Back inside, Glow Worm looks terrific, has oodles of fresh spots to shoot scenes in (so we’re not stuck with the same background – hello tea dispenser stand at Crimson!), and finally gives something glorious for Judith Chapman’s Gloria to sink her teeth into.

Lastly, while I appreciate the effort, I’m reserving comment on Victoria and Billy’s new ‘Father Knows Best’ retro home, but off the top, not digging it. Set Grades: Jimmy’s Bar: F, Trundles: F, Crimson Lights: C, Bictoria’s: C+, Glow Worm: A (Oh, and thanks for redecorating the Abbott pool house and showing us Jabot again! Grade: B!)

Onwards. Speaking of Billy and Victoria, two words: Super couple. Grade: A+

And ain’t it super to see Jill with something to do besides schlep around as Genoa City’s Perez Hilton? In fact, I’m so happy for this story upgrade I’ll forgive the age-inappropriate neon blue toenail polish Jill was recently sporting. Y&R star Daniel Goddard (Cane) tweeted me that he liked garish toe tones, but I beg to differ. And I digress. Easily, Walton is one of Y&R’s strongest players, too often relegated to back burner.