Bold & Beautiful Miscast the Logan Sisters as Judge Judy, Bungled Its Touchiest Storyline and *Still* Managed to Deliver a Big Surprise
Credit: Howard Wise/JPI (5)
Today the role of your regularly scheduled Soapboxer will be played by… Charlie. But fear not, because he has as many thoughts about the week’s episodes of The Bold and the Beautiful as Richard would have, and he’s at least half as likely to spell them correctly. So read on, and we’ll discuss the show’s unlikely judge-and-jury tag team, the oddest pillow talk this side of a nunnery and… oh, right. Sheila’s still on. So we’ll talk about her, too, as briefly as she was featured.
Talk Dirty to Me
Steffy and Finn’s love scene Monday was heavy on the love, which was nice and all. But as seductions go, it was pretty tepid, wasn’t it? On one hand, Steffy was intent on turning on her newly minted husband with her sexy nightie; on the other, she built up to their nookie with endless talk about what a great dad and generous fellow Finn is — not exactly the stuff of titillating fantasy. At this rate, they’ll be getting in the mood for a first-anniversary romp by discussing the timely manner in which he filed their taxes or the really adequate job he did mowing the lawn. “Oh, baby,” I can just imagine her purring, “nobody brushes their teeth as well as you do — and flosses!”
Above: “I’ve never known a man as sexy as you, Finn. You put the cap back on the toothpaste. Do you have any idea how hot that is?”
Credit: Howard Wise/JPI
Quelle Surprise
On the flipside, though I’m not a fan of Paris’ sudden crush on Finn — it makes zero sense for her even to be contemplating doing to Steffy what Zoe tried to do to her with Zende — that silly suntan-lotion fantasy sequence somehow worked. It played like old-school soap, back when characters dreamt of better lives and better loves. And not for nothing, but Diamond White and Tanner Novlan generated some real heat in that near kiss.
Then again, I could have just been relieved as hell that we’d taken a break from the rest of their scenes, which involved Finn and Steffy endlessly telling Paris how amazing she was, how nice she was to have around, how much the kids love her, as if to justify the newlyweds letting her live in their home instead of in the guest house we now know they have.
Above: “They’re real,” marveled Paris, “and they’re spectacular!”
Credit: Howard Wise/JPI
Also, is Paris Steffy and Finn’s nanny now? It seems like it, and I don’t get how that would even be possible, given that she has a full-time job. It’s past time these Richie Riches got some regularly featured au pairs and butlers and so on. It would not only introduce to the canvas some desperately needed have-nots, it would make more sense for them to pass judgment on their high and mighty bosses than… well, some other people. More on that in 3, 2…
Show Yourself All the Way Out, Katie
Regular readers of Soaps.com already know what I thought of the way Katie inserted herself into Eric’s evening Monday, then did backflips to make him feel crummy about it. (If you don’t already know, catch up and weigh in here.) Beyond making me cringe, the unfortunate incident also underscored for the zillionth time just how badly the show needs B stories. Eric’s mixed feelings about his sacrifice for Quinn’s sexual satisfaction could have easily been telegraphed by shots of him hanging out alone at the Forrester mansion looking longingly at his wife’s portrait (which he does a lot, anyway). We didn’t need for Katie to butt in, insensitively at best, rudely at worst. And were she involved in any secondary, even tertiary plot, she wouldn’t have been available to. She’d have been busy living her own life, perhaps consulting with Bill as they try to help young Will through his first schoolboy crush or going on a blind date with the surgical resident for whom Finn thought she’d be perfect.
Above: “Quinn’s not home? Really? Here, let me put on my disappointed face.”
Credit: Howard Wise/JPI
Insensitive… Table for Two
Tuesday, the show doubled down on its depiction of Katie as Judgey McJudgerson, having her team up to badmouth Quinn with, of all people, Brooke (oblivious as ever to the fact that she was casting stones from within a glass house). In Katie’s estimation, it was “unconscionable!” (always with an exclamation point) for Quinn to go out for an evening and leave Eric alone. As if he were a toddler who couldn’t be trusted near the stove or some pathetic sap who can’t figure out how to work the TV remote.
Above: “Abner! Get over here quick! Quinn’s leaving the house again! It’s unconscionable, I tell ya! Unconscionable!”
Credit: ABC screenshot
Just when I was thinking, “Whew, that’s over,” Wednesday found Katie returning to Eric’s for another round of “Let me make you supremely uncomfortable by telling you over and over again how uncomfortable I don’t want to make you while asking insanely intrusive, uncomfortable questions.” That Eric didn’t hit the MUTE button on Katie actually suggests to me that OK, maybe he actually doesn’t know how to work the remote!
Above: “Oooh crap. Those are the up stairs. How do I get back down?”
Credit: Howard Wise/JPI
Blind, Tone-Deaf and Dumb
Meanwhile, Brooke, who once cheated on Eric with Ridge and married both of his sons, and Ridge, who not only slept with Brooke during her marriage to Eric but made out with Quinn behind Pop’s back, expressed their horror and outrage over the possibility that the Forrester patriarch’s wife could be betraying him. There’s probably a way that the scenario could have played worse, but I’ll be damned if I can think of what it is.
Above: “Listen here, mister and missy, I exist. Do you hear me? There is no reason whatsoever for the likes of you to try to be me.”
Credit: Paramount/Courtesy of the Everett Collection
And can anyone explain why Ridge enlisted Justin to spy on Quinn? Wasn’t the guys’ deal supposed to involve bringing down Bill? For that matter, what the hell happened to Ridge’s animosity toward his rival? When the dressmaker called in his new henchman, he logically assumed it was regarding his former boss. “Bill? Oh, I forgot all about him and how much I hate him,” Ridge practically said. “We’re on to a new storyline now.”
Which has what, exactly, to do with Justin? Was his deal with Ridge so vague that he now just has a go-to for any old thing that he needs done? And even if Justin is but a breath away from picking up Ridge’s drycleaning, how dumb of the puppetmaster is it to task such a conniver with digging up dirt on his own family? If Justin gets the goods on Quinn, he could just as easily blackmail Ridge with it — “You wouldn’t want Big Daddy embarrassed in the press, would you?” — as deliver it to its intended recipient.
Above: “What about your unrelenting hatred of Bill?” Justin asked. “It relented,” Ridge replied. “On Wednesdays, I hate Quinn. And also yacht rock.”
Credit: Howard Wise/JPI
Hello… HR?
As bad as the show made the Logan sisters look, it might have made Eric look worse when it had him summon Carter — his employee, it bears mentioning — to the mansion basically to threaten him not to get attached to Quinn. Uh, buddy, that’s the kinda thing you might have wanted to work out before you sent your wife over to Carter’s place with a permission slip to knock boots.
Also, what was with the underlying hostility toward Carter? Eric told him to schtup Quinn. All but insisted that he do so. Eric doesn’t get to be pissy about it when everybody follows his orders!
Plus, if Eric just wanted to get Quinn’s needs met, wouldn’t it have been smarter for him to suggest that she take a new lover, not return to one for whom she already has Feelings with a capital F? Yes, yes, what Eric proposed was selfless. But it was also stupid. “Please, darling, go have no-strings sex with this man… to whom you are already tied by a whole lotta strings.” D’oh!
On top of that, shouldn’t Eric have considered for even a nanosecond that he was instructing an employee to hook up with his wife? That has to violate like a bazillion HR rules, no? And were Carter a different kind of person, he could turn around and blackmail Eric with his permission slip, and turn Forrester Creations into Walton Fashions overnight. Double d’oh!
Above: Later, they’d pass notes during the staff meeting and play footsie under the table.
Credit: Howard Wise/JPI
Putting the ‘Dis’ in ‘Disrespectful’
Obviously, reactions to the Eric/Quinn/Carter storyline have been strong — so strong that John McCook took to Instagram this week to encourage viewers to “hang in there.” Personally, I dig it — the show is doing something that it, and daytime, have desperately needed to for ages: something new. Something edgy. Something different.
But it isn’t a plotline without problems, some of which Richard addressed last week, some of which only turned up this week. As in: What’s up with Quinn and Carter still flirting with one another at the office and acting like they are in an epic love story? Eric gave the OK for them to have sex, not a side relationship. So their giddy behavior undermines the guilt we’re supposed to buy that they feel and layers in an unfortunate “pulling one over on the old man” vibe.
It also robs “Quarter” of some of their heat. Were they doing something together that we sensed they both felt was wrong, yet they couldn’t resist, especially with Eric’s blessing, that would sizzle. But if it’s just a cookie-cutter romance, to which the husband doesn’t object… eh. That’s more lukewarm bathwater than erupting volcano. On a related subject…
Missed Opportunity
As much as I appreciate that Bold & Beautiful has gone out on a limb with its Eric/Quinn/Carter storyline — which I’ve sorta championed before for another CBS couple — I do wish the show had had the Forresters contemplate other options to remedy their situation. After all, sexual satisfaction can be obtained a whole lotta ways besides bringing in a third party.
On the other hand, given how many viewers have clutched their pearls over Eric’s permission slip, maybe the powers that be were wise to spare themselves the backlash from having the marrieds — gasp! Heaven forbid! — have a frank discussion about alternate means of getting Quinn’s needs met.
Above: “Sex is natural. Sex is fun. Sex is best when it’s one-on-one. That’s Plato, people. Or maybe George Michael.”
Credit: Courtesy of the Everett Collection
Not Much Ado About Nothing
Thursday’s Thomas/Hope/Douglas scenes were a welcome break from the Logan sisters’ meeting of the I Hate Quinn club, but was there a point to them other than maybe reminding us that they’re still on the canvas? All they did was recap — Soaps.com has you covered there, guys, you don’t need to do that. Worse, the scenes had them doing so in such an on-the-nose manner of speaking that it felt like bullet points rather than two people who know each other so well that one of them once helped the other into a vat of acid and saw him through his fixation with her murderous mannequin doppelganger.
I’d love to think that the show was setting the stage for a reformed Thomas/Hope/Liam triangle, but as far as I can tell, it hasn’t been big on long-term planning like that in… well, a long time. Could still happen, though; maybe Hope will object to Liam’s new look.
Above: “Daddy doesn’t skeeve Mommy out anymore — yippee!”
Credit: Howard Wise/JPI
And Now for Something Completely Different
Just kidding — Friday was more of the same. At least Eric finally remembered that he has a problem with his privates, not his spine, and barked at Ridge, “I want you to respect my decision [regarding Quinn], and I’d really like you to respect my privacy.” To which Ridge responded by… immediately texting Justin to let him know that his stepmother was leaving the building. (Unconscionable!) Hilariously, after badgering Eric all week, Katie advised Ridge to chillax where his dad and Quinn were concerned. “Don’t harass him,” she said. “That’s my job!”
Above: At this point, what is Sheila, even, but a Freddy Krueger with a way better manicurist?
Credit: Courtesy of the Everett Collection, John Paschal/JPI
OK, she didn’t actually say that last part, but we were all thinking it for her, no? Honestly, it was — sorry, can’t resist — unconscionable: The show really was going to play the same beat over and over and over again all week long.
Technically, two beats — Bold & Beautiful also teed up yet another chorus of “OMG, you’re so awesome!” between Steffy, Finn and Paris as the houseguest announced that she wanted to make sweet love with Hayes’ daddy was moving out. Then finally — finally! — some stuff happened. Not stuff that made sense but stuff nonetheless. First, Sheila, master criminal that she is, let herself in Steffy’s back door, scaring the bejesus out of her. Because obviously, that was going to help the villainess prove to everyone that she wasn’t the bogeywoman that they thought she was. Then, Justin not only let himself into Carter’s place, he busted in on him and Quinn in the bedroom.
At that point, I just wanted to sit Justin down and ask if he was feeling OK, because I didn’t remember Ridge telling him to confront Quinn if he caught her doing anything tawdry. And I also wasn’t super duper sure that “But Ridge told me to” was going to be a winning defense for Justin if Carter brought breaking-and-entering charges against him. I love surprises. I love drama. But for Stephanie’s sake, can it please make sense?!?
Thus concludes the encyclopedia of my thoughts on this week’s Bold & Beautiful. Those of you who made it to the end, first of all, congrats. Second of all, the comments section is now open for your reviews. And while you’re here, be sure to check out the below photo gallery, a cheeky reminiscence about characters who were supposed to be Very Big Deals… but amounted to very little. Needless to say, there are a few from Bold & Beautiful in there (some that only the true devotees will even remember!).
