B&B hope liam confused
Credit: Howard Wise/JPI

THURSDAY: We open on a shot of a private jet soaring through the air. Scruffy-faced rich guy (private jet, remember?) puts his magazine down to reminisce about kissing a beautiful brunette woman. He must be a good kisser, because she lifts one foot in the air in ecstasy as they smooch atop a Sound of Music-like hill.

bb-ridge-taylor-kiss-aspen

We cut to not one but two beautiful brunette women… I think one of them might be the kissee from that flashback. “Mom,” says one, and I can’t hear the rest of what she’s saying because the other woman looks young enough to have birthed her at age 9. And it’s great casting, I must say, because they do look related. Like sisters. But I digress. Mom insists she’s fine, and wants to know about her daughter’s deceptive brother. Oooh. What did he do? Daughter doesn’t care. All she wants to know is if Mom has heard from Dad. An answer we’ll have to wait for, as Mom looks confused.

B&B steffy taylor

Then there are two very pretty blonde women talking, and I don’t know if they are bold, but they definitely are beautiful. They talk about “Steffy” bumping into someone in disguise, and that’s the soap opera action I am looking for. Apparently the disguised person is also missing a toe?

Brooke Hope B&B

Blonde Lady No. 1 thinks that toe-missing Sheila will be caught. Well, I imagine she can’t run away very fast, what with missing a toe and all. As they chat, I deduce that the scruffy dude on the jet must be Ridge, as they say he’s on his way home. And how does older blonde lady feel about that? We may never know, as the two ladies have an epic stare off that cuts to the credits.

Oh! I guess Steffy is the younger brunette woman, and her mom hasn’t spoken to Ridge, either. I’m kinda hoping Mom and the blonde lady from the other scene have a screaming, Dynasty-era catfight over Ridge that leads to both of them falling into an indoor swimming pool! Wait a minute — is Mom Krista Allen?! And she looks fantastic. She’s barely aged since her Emmanuelle days. And by admitting I watched that, I have said too much.

DYNASTY, Linda Evans, Joan Collins, Ep. 3-23, 'The Threat', 04-13-1983. Season 3, 1981-1989.

Anyway, Steffy says that she isn’t going to push Mom and Ridge together anymore, and Mom looks relieved, so I guess my pool fight is a no-go. Steffy wishes her parents would reunite, and maybe there is hope because she and Mom have their share of wordless stare-offs. What is Mom thinking?

Back to the blondes! Wait — older blonde lady was married to Ridge, too? Juicy! But Thomas, who I guess made a fake CPS call on someone (totally not cool, dude), also interfered in that. “I mean, Mom… ” slightly younger blonde says, and apparently it is mother-daughter-Ridge day on Bold & Beautiful. Older blonde lady says she sent Ridge off to do some soul-searching, and if she meant, “Think about my rival and kissing her on bridges,” she is right on track.

Back to the private jet. Ridge is now staring into space, thinking about Brooke and how much he loves her, too. Oh, Ridge. Torn between two lovers and feeling like a fool. Don’t you know loving both of them is breaking all the rules? Also? Beds full of rose petals may look romantic, but I bet they aren’t very comfortable.

Steffy and Mom are apparently talking and staring at a place called Forrester Creations, where I assume they make clothes that are as dramatic as the storylines. Steffy told the truth about something and Mom is glad. That’s a switch on a soap! Apparently, Dad deserved to know the truth about… something I can’t quite figure out. Steffy wants Mom to hold her head up high, no matter what happens with Ridge. They hug, Mom stares into space, and I get it. Ridge and love are both fickle bastards.

Ridge jet B&B

Back on the jet, we discover Ridge has a voice when he talks to his dad on the phone about his soul-searching trip. Dad says that Ridge needs to make a choice: Is it Brooke or is it Taylor? OK, now Mom has a name, and I feel like even I, the soap opera ignorant, may have heard of Ridge and Taylor and Brooke. Classic soap love triangle.

Cut to Taylor on the phone when Brooke walks in, surprised to see her back in town. Taylor says she needed a break after her wedding day debacle. To Ridge? I guess so. And I really want to know how CPS broke up a wedding. Aren’t her kids adults? Anyway the two snark back and forth a bit, and man, loving Ridge apparently brings out the bitch in a person. Oh — Thomas called CPS on himself? And maybe framed Brooke, causing Ridge to leave her? So Brooke thinks they should reunite, and Taylor says no one will ever destroy the love she and Ridge share, and man, this guy, am I right? Then there’s more staring, because of course there is.

Brooke Taylor won't allow it B&B

The two daughters, Steffy and mystery blonde, talk about how horrible it is that Sheila is still out there, toeless and menacing. Then Steffy refers to Ridge as “my” father, and is he not blonde girl’s father, too? Interesting…

Staring Ridge gives way to Brooke and Taylor both admitting they will always love him. The only other thing they have in common? Their love of their kids. Even stupid Thomas, who Taylor admits she is pissed at for putting Brooke through hell. They talk about Steffy being brave and losing her parents remarrying and how much time passed, exactly, between Brooke and Taylor being Mrs. Ridge? Anyway, the two talk about the years of back and forth and how they now wonder who will be the ultimate victor in the war for Ridge’s heart. Then there is lots of staring back and forth, and Brooke’s catty smile makes me wonder if she is the original bad girl of the show.

The jet lands, and Ridge stares.

Steffy and mystery blonde agree that what Thomas did was wrong, but other than that? They both want to be Mrs. Ridge’s daughter and think their mom is the best, and that’s pretty loyal. Also, they both have terrific, flowing hair. Does anyone have short hair on this soap? Or is that not allowed?

Ridge comes back to find Taylor and Brooke together, with something important to say regarding his choice. And the way they are looking at each other and Ridge (and looking, and looking, and looking… ) I’m wondering if they are going to have a reverse Kelly Taylor from 90210 moment and choose… themselves.

Taylor Brooke B&B

Guess we’ll find out tomorrow!

FRIDAY: We open on Ridge, surprised to see Brooke and Taylor together and not pulling each other’s hair. Ridge apologizes for all he has put them through, and man, the ego on this guy as he says he is sorry. “Are you?” asks Brooke, and Taylor asks too and then Ridge does his best staring work.

Ridge B&B

Meanwhile Steffy and… Hope, there it is!… are still debating about whose mom should be crowned Mrs. Ridge when two guys come in that I assume are their partners? The guys wonder if they should referee, and damn it, if I don’t get some sort of catfight soon, I am going to feel cheated. Steffy says Ridge is coming back home, and the way Hope smirks and nods at her guy, I can totally see the resemblance between her and Brooke. The guys are firmly on their girls’ sides, and I wonder if the whole city is shut down, awaiting Ridge’s decision. Maybe it will be televised, like the queen’s funeral.

Charlie reluctant B&B

Back at Brooke/Taylor/Ridge land, a bumbling cop or security guard stumbles in for comic relief, I guess, judging by the way he says Los An-gel-eees with a hard G, and why the hell isn’t he out looking for nine-toed Sheila? Anyway, the ladies tell Ridge that they are not listening to him; he is there to listen to them, and I like where this is going. Maybe Brooke and Taylor should run off together and leave Ridge high and dry.

At Forrester Creations, the daughters muse about Christmas and how it would be so festive, had Sheila not come back from the dead, and I hate when that happens. Bumbling Cop comes back in to announce that Ridge is home, and after a bit of a who’s on first parlay, he also tells them that Ridge is with both moms, and the girls are shocked. Shocked, I say.

Steffy Hope stunned B&B

In Ridge World, Brooke and Taylor admit they’ve been talking, and Ridge seems like he has always wanted them to be friends. I wonder if he’s imagining some sort of sister-wife situation, although we all know that never works. Taylor admits she should have confessed to Ridge before their ceremony, and Brooke, via smirk, clearly agrees. But then Brooke tears up as she and Taylor each admit Ridge is the love of their lives, and I feel kinda bad for her. “Every breath that I’ve taken, every heartbeat, it’s all been for you,” Brooke says, and it’s pretty sad. “My best friend,” Taylor says. “My destiny,” Brooke adds, and man, what does this guy have besides millions of dollars, and romantic gestures, and rugged good looks? Oh. That’s what he has. “I went away ‘cause I can only be with one of you,” Ridge says. And the ladies say he can’t, and they are staring all around, and is Ridge about to get double-dumped??? I am cheering!

Taylor Brooke B&B

The daughters tell romantic mom stories and hold your proverbial horses there, ladies. Because in the other office, Brooke starts in, wondering what kind of man proposes to his ex while still married to her, and darned if that’s not a good point! And then Taylor chimes in with how Ridge told her this time would be different, but it wasn’t, and even though Ridge tries to deflect, it doesn’t work because Taylor looks righteously pissed. He left Taylor with her heart shattered. Again.  And then Taylor starts to cry, and Brooke comforts her, and maybe this is better than a pool fight after all. Seriously, can’t Brooke and Taylor just run off and start some How Stella Got Her Groove Back retreat sanctuary for the broken-hearted?

Steffy Finn Liam Hope B&B

Daughters. It’s my mom’s turn. Blah blah blah.

Finally, back to the triangle. Both women agree — they are strong and don’t need Ridge after literal decades of the runaround. And yes, like Kelly Taylor of yore, the ladies choose themselves. Too bad, so sad, Ridge. You can have all the soup you want, but no Mrs. Ridge for you! They are done, and they chuckle a little at each other, and Ridge stares, again, but it’s at his two former lovers leaving the room together. Brooke takes Taylor’s hand to lead her out, and Taylor asks for a minute. Is she going to rescind? Nope! She just needs to grab her purse. Ha ha! Suck it, Ridge!

Taylor Brooke high five B&B

We close on Taylor and Brooke high-fiving each other, and I must say, I’m as satisfied as if I had been watching this show for years.

So OK, that was kind of fun, and less cheesy than I thought it would be. Though I found the tension-building/staring to be a little bit much, I was pleasantly surprised that some of the acting was strong, and the storyline I watched was very woman-positive and not far-fetched (except for the coming-back-from-the-dead thing). Would I give Bold & Beautiful another chance? Maybe so. I can certainly think of less fun ways to spend half an hour. And it’s the only way I’m going to find out what happened to Sheila’s toe.

Need a refresher course on who’s doing what to whom in Los Angeles? We’ve got you covered with this handy-dandy guide to Bold & Beautiful‘s characters!