O Solo Mio: A Valentine’s Day Salute to the Soap Singles… That We Can’t Believe Are Actually Single
Only on our wild and wacky shows could these characters not be boo’d up.
We all have that one friend, don’t we? Or maybe we are that friend? The person that everybody agrees is a catch… yet doesn’t ever seem to get caught!
Our soap characters are exactly the same. Even though they’re generally way hotter and richer and wittier than any of us will ever be, they now and then find themselves… disengaged, so to speak.
And it’s weird, right? If someone as impressive as The Young and the Restless’ Phyllis can spend a Friday night alone — never mind a whole bunch of Friday nights! — what hope do the rest of us have?
If a fella with abs like Bold & Beautiful sweetheart Carter doesn’t have to turn off his phone to keep the offers from rolling in, is there any point to us average Joes even being in the game?
We’re not bitter, though. Not much, anyway. We’re more mystified. How can these unique and uniquely attractive specimens not be drawing potential dates like moths to the proverbial flame?
We don’t have the answer. But since it’s Valentine’s Day, it seemed only right to ask the question: How can this be happening? Maybe by shining a spotlight on soaps’ inconceivable singletons, we can remind our shows just how eligible these bachelors and bachelorettes really are. Care to see who most left us going, “What the… ?!?” Just click here or on the photo gallery below.
<p>Even his impression of Rodin’s <em>The Thinker</em> is sexy, for Pete’s sake. Yet the hottie who could make Michelangelo’s <em>David</em> green with envy still hasn’t got his own permanent, ahem, heart installation.</p>
<p>We don’t blame her for looking shocked by her datelessness — <em>we’re</em> shocked, too. But since her last red-hot romance turned, erm, stone-cold, she hasn’t found anyone new with whom she could play doctor.</p>
<p>Richer than rich. Handsomer than handsome. Availabler than… Well, <em>very</em> available. What’s not to love? Well, aside from his unhealthy fixation with an ex who’s not only a lesbian but engaged to his sister. There <em>is</em> that.</p>
<p>On what planet would a blonde bombshell this explosive even manage to have her picture taken without a line of suitors forming all the way down the beach? Guess this is how we know the soap ain’t real life!</p>
<p>He’s got movie-star looks, a Steve Jobs bank account and an accent that’ll make ya go weak in the knees. What he <em>doesn’t</em> have, however, is an other who still considers him significant. Mystifying. </p>
<p>Were it not for a certain conniving obstacle, this teenage dream would have ages ago been relieved of her duties as the perennial third wheel. Make like a rock, Esme, and roll, roll, roll — <em>away from Spencer</em>!</p>
<p>Don’t ask Adam’s ex if she’s a glass-half-empty or a glass-half-full kinda woman. She’s so passionate, she’s a hurl-that-glass-at-your-dang-head sort. Which is a turn-on, right? A scary one, but still…</p>
<p>Here, the frequent wedding officiant demonstrates the confounded expression that we so often wear when it occurs to us that he’s yet to get to say his own “I dos.” We’re as stunned as you are, buddy.</p>
<p>She’s as vivacious as she is tenacious. Yet her Match.com profile yielded only a suggestion that she wait for Salem to import some new men who don’t know about her checkered past. Or have girlfriends.</p>
<p>She has an excuse — she just went through a messy break-up. But he’s been single for so long, waiters have stopped asking, “Are you expecting a dinner companion?” Maybe they could once again be each other’s plus-ones.</p>
<p>He has a million-dollar smile and a stock portfolio to match. Yet there’s not a waiting list to show up at parties and premieres on his arm. His exceedingly <em>well-toned</em> arm, we might add. What the Fiorucci?!?</p>
<p>Whether or not he’s possessed, the son of hell-raisers EJ and Sami is guaranteed to show any date a devil of a good time. Heaven knows why his split from Chanel hasn’t drawn a bevy of heat-seeking misses.</p>
<p>Maybe the show is just making us wait for Holly’s eagerly anticipated return. In the meantime, though, it’s weird that nobody wants to be able to call him the (former) spy who loved me.</p>
<p>You don’t have to be an attorney to declare <em>this</em> case closed: It’s <em>unreal</em> that that the lovely lawyer could chase for so long after Nate without a single attractive alternative coming courting, so to speak.</p>
<p>We were all ready to ’ship Bill’s ex and Carter as a new dynamic duo. Instead, the show sent her to some kind of romantic purgatory to Judge Judy the crap out of <em>other</em> people’s <em>actual</em> romances. </p>
<p>It’s complicated, we’ll grant you. The former never meant to lose fiancé Abe, and the latter couldn’t have guessed that her new husband was a demon. But you’ve gotta be ready for that kinda [bleep] in Salem!</p>
<p>The Newman heir is less The Mustache than The Goatee. But he has a bedside manner that we can’t believe has let him go days, weeks, <em>months</em> without an appealing prospect asking to get tucked in.</p>
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