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General Hospital’s Got One Very Big Problem, and the Latest Elizabeth ‘Twist’ Is Just the Tip of the Iceberg
Thursday, May 26th, 2022
The good news is, there’s a really, really easy fix.
It was nearly six months ago that General Hospital kicked off their Liz-centric mystery by having her wedding ring mysteriously transport itself from one place to another. Last week, Violet suggested that perhaps the nurse was actually responsible for everything going on around her.
The tot may have proved herself the smartest person in Port Charles, but she put the pieces together months after most viewers had come to that conclusion. Others had completely stopped caring given how little forward momentum the story had, what with constantly being pushed to the backburner.
“You big people should listen to me more often.”
More: Is big trouble heading Chase and Brook Lynn’s way?
Unfortunately, Elizabeth’s story isn’t the only one on the canvas which has major pacing issues.
There’s an old saying: It’s the journey, not the destination. But what if the road takes so long to traverse that we stop caring where it’s going? Worse, what if when finally we arrive, it turns out to be not the Grand Canyon, but a really big pothole?
General Hospital has an amazing cast who could entertain us by reading the phone book. Scripts often crackle with energy, and we’ve loved a lot of the stories being told (including some that others hate, like the Nixon Falls saga). But there are so many characters fighting for our attention that storylines often wind up being pushed aside — sometimes for days, but often for weeks at a time — while others take center stage.
The Bold and the Beautiful has a similar problem but chooses to deal with it in a different way. Yes, characters occasionally drift into the background mid-story (as is currently happening with Paris and Carter), but more often, they simply vanish for long periods when they’re not in current plots. (Think Katie, Wyatt, Flo… )
Which is a better solution, only viewers can say.
Anna cut to the front of the line in the “Who will kill Peter?” sweepstakes.
Credit: ABC screenshot
More: Carly’s ready to blow a few lives apart!
Then there are the payoffs… or lack thereof. Fans spent years wanting to see Peter pay for his sins — and all the pieces were in place for a fun murder mystery — only to have him die in Anna’s arms after being conked on the head by Felicia. Not terribly satisfying, given the time we invested.
Elsewhere, Sonny’s return from Nixon Falls lacked any real emotional punch because the show failed to play the one beat — Jason and Carly sleeping together in her husband’s absence — which would have pushed this story into high gear. Cameron Mathison first appeared as a recast Drew back in August, and yet has had no actual story to play. And don’t get us started on Austin, a character who daily leaves us wondering why in the world the show killed off Roger Howarth’s Franco, a character in whom we were invested and whose death served no real purpose, in order to have the actor return in this ill-defined role with no actual storyline.
A truly great soap opera storyline needs to be well paced as it leads the viewers to a worthy payoff. Ideally, said payoff spirals the characters into the next arc of the story and the whole process begins again. All the pieces are in place for General Hospital to do exactly this, but the screws need to be tightened a bit.
In essence, all the show needs to do is shorten the journey and, as we approach our destination, make damn sure it was worth the trip.
No matter the story, we love the residents of Port Charles… so much so that we ranked our top 30 all-time favorites!
Image: Disney General Entertainment Content/Getty Images
1/39
<p>Back in the heyday of Port Charles supervillains, few and far between were the ne’er-do-wells who made us see redder shades of red than the Russian spy who stole not only lookalike Grant Andrews’ life but fiancée Celia Quartermaine as well.</p>
Image: Howard Wise/JPI
2/39
<p>“Ugh,” we can just hear you saying. “Why is <em>she</em> on this list?” Frankly, it’s <em>because</em> the mere mention of the supervixen’s name can make you say, “Ugh.” Troublemakers who leave <em>that</em> lasting an impression are hard to come by — and harder to forget!</p>
Image: ABC screenshot
3/39
<p>Yes, these two lovebirds have to share an entry. How could they not? From the moment Nikolas Cassadine and Courtney Matthews’ son was reintroduced as a brooding young man, we’ve been <em>all</em> about his ultimate pairing with beleaguered heroine Trina.</p>
Image: Howard Wise/JPI
4/39
<p>Any day now, we expect to see a comeback by the psycho whose machinations kept Port Charles on its toes for decades. So unrelentingly wicked was Peter August’s Daddy Dearest, he seems like exactly the type to whom even Satan would say, “Oh, <em>hell</em>, no!”</p>
Image: Disney General Entertainment Content/Getty Images
5/39
<p>Despite having one dad who’s a career criminal (hey there, Sonny Corinthos) and another who never met a plot that he wouldn’t hatch (R.I.P, A.J. Quartermaine), Carly’s son is the straightest of arrows. Unless, that is, he’s out for revenge; in that case, all bets are off.</p>
Image: Howard Wise/JPI
6/39
<p>Once a fearsome villain, Liz’s <span style="text-decoration: line-through">latest</span> late husband — thanks to the removal of that pesky homicidal brain tumor — became known as not only one of Port Charles’ biggest sweethearts but one of its funniest residents, too.</p>
Image: ABC/Getty Images
7/39
<p>Talk about carpe’ing the diem! After lingering in a coma for decades, the heiress made up for lost time by losing her marbles, stealing Ava Jerome’s newborn and, ultimately, displacing Carly Corinthos from her spot in Sonny’s bed.</p>
Image: ABC/Courtesy of the Everett Collection, Howard Wise/JPI
8/39
<p>Arguably the ultimate good-and-evil-twin pairing, these siblings have been making the residents of Port Charles say, “Oh, brother!” since the early 1990s. And though Ryan’s reign of terror is supposedly over, we’ll believe it when we <em>don’t</em> see it pick up anew.</p>
Image: Craig Sjodin/ABC/Courtesy of the Everett Collection
9/39
<p>The Brooklyn accent. The incredible nails. The yin/yang chemistry with “Eddie Maine.” Ned Quartermaine’s former wife would never have forgiven us if we’d left her off this list, and neither would we.</p>
Image: ABC/Courtesy of the Everett Collection
10/39
<p>Whenever we’re feeling especially sentimental about <em>General Hospital</em>, we also get a little <em>mental</em> — because it inevitably brings to mind Jeff Webber’s batty, BLT-loving ex, arguably the most entertaining Port Charles psycho ever to spike a drink.</p>
Image: Disney General Entertainment Content/Getty Images (3)
11/39
<p>She’s been naughty. She’s been nice. But one thing <span style="text-decoration: line-through">Frisco Jones</span> Mac and Felicia Scorpio’s daughter has always been — and will always <em>be</em> — is fashionable. A heart that big and beautiful never goes out of style.</p>
Image: ABC screenshot
12/39
<p>No one ever need wonder what an individual would be like if they possessed in equal measure both light (thanks to mom Laura Collins) and dark (courtesy of father Stavros); they need only meet the Cassadines’ dark prince.</p>
Image: ABC/Courtesy of the Everett Collection
13/39
<p>Somewhere along the line, Monica’s “better” half must’ve given himself a heart transplant, since the formerly-mad-as-in-angry doctor went from wanting to drop a house on her to being the true partner that she mourned as mightily as we did.</p>
Image: ABC/Courtesy of the Everett Collection (2)
14/39
<p>They don’t make ’em like this anymore! The patriarch of the Quartermaine family was a blustering tyrant whose huffing and puffing did a fine job of hiding the fact that, underneath, he was really a big softy.</p>
Image: Wren Maloney/ABC/Courtesy of the Everett Collection
15/39
<p>Whenever she walks into a room, you <em>know</em> that chaos is going to follow — and we wouldn’t have it any other way. Lucy may not be the conniver that she once was, but she remains as “quacky” and unpredictable as ever.</p>
Image: John Paschal/JPI
16/39
<p>Jason Morgan’s onetime ride-or-die boasts an enviably all-over-the-place soap-character resumé that’s taken her from con artist and stepfather seductress to action heroine, “widowed” wife and mom. Along that bumpy road, the one thing she’s never been… is boring!</p>
Image: ABC/Courtesy of the Everett Collection
17/39
<p>Rumors of the “reformed” con artist’s death were, thankfully, greatly exaggerated. What has never been overstated, however — and perhaps can’t be — is that she is as crafty as she is beautiful. </p>
Image: Bob D’Amico/ABC/Courtesy of the Everett Collection
18/39
<p>May we have this dance? If only. No one grieved harder when Anna Devane’s made-man true love was kilt — sorry, <em>killed</em> — than we did. To this day, we haven’t given up hope that the show will resurrect him again.</p>
Image: Jill Johnson/JPI
19/39
<p>She’s now arguably Port Charles’ most respected surgeon. But to us, Alan’s widow will always be the impetuous strumpet who drove the Webber brothers to distraction and accidentally had a fling with her own nephew.</p>
Image: ABC/Courtesy of the Everett Collection
20/39
<p>Really, this long-running heroine should have her own action figure, because from the moment that we met her — when she was unconvincingly disguised as a boy, no less! — she’s been tossed from one madcap adventure to the next.</p>
Image: Walt Disney Television
21/39
<p>James Bond’s got nothing on Port Charles’ answer to 007, the smoothest of operators and shrewdest of characters. Even now that he’s switched gears and become district attorney, many a fan wouldn’t mind calling him “the spy who loved me.”</p>
Image: Howard Wise/JPI
22/39
<p>Cut from the same cloth as grandmother Audrey Hardy, Liz is the inspirational heart and soul of Port Charles, a working wife and mom who strives to put her mistakes in rearview in order to pave the way for a brighter tomorrow.</p>
Image: Timothy White/ABC/Courtesy of the Everett Collection
23/39
<p>You’ve come a long way, baby… er, Bobbie! The scheming ex-hooker was transformed over the decades from desperate to dependable — miraculously, without losing the mischievous twinkle in her eye.</p>
Image: Sean Smith/JPI
24/39
<p>A do-right guy in a do-wrong town, Luke’s halo-clad son was destined to suffer — and man, did he, through his own “death,” drug addiction, adultery and, in the end, the demolition of his relationship with true love Elizabeth Webber… at least for now.</p>
Image: John Paschal/JPI
25/39
<p>Anna and Robert’s daughter is an inspiration, a cute kid who absorbed the blows that life dealt her — and there have been many! — to emerge on the other side a grown woman who is kindhearted, open-minded and far tougher than her warm smile might suggest.</p>
Image: Craig Sjodin/ABC/Courtesy of the Everett Collection
26/39
<p>This passion’s plaything always meant to be smart about love, to not only think but think <em>twice</em>. In the end, however, the one that got away from both Sonny and Jax just over and over again wound up putting heart over mind.</p>
Image: Brian Lowe/JPI
27/39
<p>Bundles of neuroses don’t come any more compelling than this alcoholic ex-attorney, the brilliant matriarch of the Davis girls and the most engaging disaster you’re ever likely to watch — preferably from a safe distance.</p>
Image: Touchstone Television/Courtesy of the Everett Collection
28/39
<p>The word “kickass” could’ve been coined to describe the former police commissioner, an all-around Superwoman whose capacity for hand-to-hand combat is matched only by her aptitude for heart-to-heart love.</p>
Image: Chris D/JPI
29/39
<p>It’s no wonder this rascally attorney’s hair is always fantastically askew: Next to the wisecracks in his head are countless plots, both the cajillions that he’s already hatched and executed, and — dare we hope? — the many that are yet to come.</p>
Image: Chris D/JPI
30/39
<p>Unlike Port Charles’ myriad mobsters and madmen, Jane Elliot’s undisputed queen of mean could kill with nothing more than a well-aimed insult. Mind you, she was just covering up the fact that, like anyone else, she had a heart; hers just happened to cost more.</p>
Image: ABC/Courtesy of the Everett Collection
31/39
<p>When Jack Wagner’s crime-fighting pop star sang, “You’re aaall III neeed,” few and far between were the audience members who didn’t wish that he was singing to them. Even now, years after Frisco burned his bridges in Port Charles, we’re dying for him to cross back over them and give us an encore.</p>
Image: John Paschal/JPI
32/39
<p>All it took was a big car wreck and a little brain damage, and Steve Burton’s squeaky-clean future doctor was reborn as a Mob enforcer whose love of tight black T-shirts was rivaled only by his love of Sam. (And, depending on the year, Liz.)</p>
Image: ABC
33/39
<p>Fight us if you must, but for our money, Steve Hardy’s stalwart right-hand woman was the all-time most-tortured soap-opera martyr. Emily McLaughlin’s dedicated nurse never ceased to volunteer her big heart for breaking.</p>
Image: Howard Wise/JPI
34/39
<p>A tragic victim of circumstance, a stone-cold femme fatale or a little bit of both? With Maura West’s master manipulator, you can never be sure — but you’ll definitely tune in tomorrow (<em>and</em> the next day!) to see if you can figure out the vexing vixen!</p>
Image: John Paschal/JPI
35/39
<p>By now, we’ve come to regard Maurice Benard’s dimpled don as <em>The Godfather, Part IV</em>. Formidable and flawed, the smooth criminal is a mass of contradictions that somehow add up to a character that’s as dangerous as he is appealing.</p>
Image: ABC, John Paschal/JPI (2)
36/39
<p>You know how you <em>know</em> that Carly is one of the all-time greats on <em>General Hospital</em>? The character’s withstood two and a half recasts (from Sarah Brown to Tamara Braun to, briefly, Jennifer Bransford, then Laura Wright) to remain an unstoppable force of nature, a freight train you’d be terrified to be in front of but more often than not find yourself willing to get behind.</p>
Image: ABC/Courtesy of the Everett Collection
37/39
<p>The white hats in Port Charles tend to get overlooked in favor of the anti-heroes and bad boys — but not by us. We still fondly remember John Beradino’s good doctor — or, as we think of him, the foundation upon which General Hospital is built.</p>
Image: ABC/Courtesy of the Everett Collection
38/39
<p>From Mob flunky to mayor, Anthony Geary’s infamous alter ego was fashioned from a mold that was long ago broken, one from which sprang the kind of absolute scoundrel who is as infuriating as he is entertaining, as irrepressible as he is irresistible. </p>
Image: Courtesy of the Everett Collection
39/39
