These Cement Shoes Are Made for Walking
General Hospital largely revolves around fearsome mobster mild-mannered coffee importer Sonny Corinthos, who at this point has fathered half of Port Charles. Maybe more than half. We suck at math.
General Hospital 101: A Beginner’s Guide to Port Charles [PHOTOS]
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This Year’s Blonde
Image Credit: ABC Sonny’s current moll girlfriend is Crimson magazine publisher Nina Reeves, with whom he struck up a relationship while she kept secret for months the fact that he wasn’t dead, just chilling in Nixon Falls with amnesia.
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The One That Got Away
Image Credit: ABC Sonny only decided to make a real go of it with Nina when mercurial missus Carly Corinthos elected to put a stop to their marriage over his lingering feelings for “the other woman.”
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In the Friend Zone…
Image Credit: ABC … Carly has Aurora Media bigwig Drew Cain, the twin brother of her late BFF/sorta husband Jason Morgan. Considering that this is how Drew looks in handcuffs with a boo-boo, we doubt that the friend zone is where he’ll stay.
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The Prodigal Son
Image Credit: ABC ELQ exec Michael Corinthos is actually the result of Carly’s one-night stand with the late A.J. Quartermaine. But Sonny sorta took possession of the boy, who now loathes “Dad” for choosing Nina over their family.
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Surprise!
Image Credit: ABC What only Carly knows so far (and isn’t inclined to reveal!) is that Michael’s pregnant-and-ailing significant other, schoolteacher Willow Tait, is the long-lost daughter of — awkward! — Nina. Explosions in three, two…
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That’s One Beefy Plant
Image Credit: ABC New to Sonny’s organization is Dex Heller, who the boss has no idea is, in fact, a spy sent by Michael to undermine his pop. Apparently, the hottie has not been clued in to Sonny’s feelings about betrayal.
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If Only Love *Was* the Drug
Image Credit: ABC Sonny’s confidant, Brando Corbin, might have figured out by now that Dex isn’t on the level, had he not been distracted by model-wife Sasha Gilmore’s pill-popping in the wake of their son’s tragic death.
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Watch the Hands, Bub!
Image Credit: ABC To mom Carly and stepdad Sonny and pretty much everyone’s horror, the first time that Josslyn Jacks made love with boyfriend Cameron Webber, a video was shot — unbeknownst to the teens — and uploaded to the Internet.
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As If!
Image Credit: ABC Joss’ gal pal, Trina Robinson, was accused of the crime. But as if the halo around her head didn’t make it clear enough, she was beyond innocent. The actual guilty party was…
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Ms. Unpopularity
Image Credit: ABC Esme Prince was the amateur “filmmaker” who turned Joss and Cam into reluctant viral sensations and framed Trina for her misdeed. But if she’s super mega twisted, you can probably blame it on…
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Daddy Dearest
Image Credit: ABC Before plummeting off the parapet at Wyndemere, Esme was being manipulated by Ryan Chamberlain, a card-carrying psycho serial killer obsessed with Port Charles’ foremost…
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Femme Fatale
Image Credit: ABC Ava Jerome thought that she’d found something that made her as happy as martinis in her marriage to prince Nikolas Cassadine. Then he went and screwed it all up by sleeping with Esme.
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Born Under a Bad Sign
Image Credit: ABC Maybe Nikolas is destined to blow every chance he gets. He is, after all, the especially chiseled product of mom Laura Collins’ time as the prisoner of his maniacal father, Stavros Cassadine.
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Who’s the Boss?
Image Credit: ABC Um, she is. Years after her legendary marriage to Luke Spencer ended, Laura is living large and in charge as the mayor of Port Charles. She even has a new husband by her side. Unfortunately…
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It’s Complicated
Image Credit: ABC Mainly because, as you can see, Port Charles’ shrink about town, Kevin Collins, is an exact replica of twin brother, Ryan. Except in the category of homicidal tendencies, thankfully.
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The Next Generation
Image Credit: ABC screenshot Nikolas’ son with Sonny’s late half sister, Courtney, worked as tirelelessly as sneakily to expose “girlfriend” Esme’s crime and exonerate Trina. He took so long, though, that the young woman he truly loved found herself in a most appealing…
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Arrested Development
Image Credit: ABC Rookie cop Rory Cabrera took one look at Trina and was not only convinced that she was innocent, he was convinced that he’d met the girl of his dreams. See that gaze? The boy is smitten!
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The Doctor Is In… Her Corner
Image Credit: ABC Also offering unconditional support to Trina is virtuous mom Portia, an MVP among General Hospital’s MDs who off duty plays doctor with…
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The Coolest Cat in Town
Image Credit: ABC Curtis Ashford went from private eye to private parties — as the owner of hot spot The Savoy. He still loves a good mystery, though. What’s the recipe for those tasty cocktails that he serves? Only he knows!
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‘You Did *What*?’
Image Credit: ABC screenshot Here, Curtis’ auntie, Stella Henry, demonstrates the look that you never want to see cross her face. It is by and large an indication that you have done or are about to do something of which the social worker disapproves.
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Cupid, Draw Back Your Bow-ow…
Image Credit: ABC, ABC screenshot Curtis’ dad, Marshall Ashford — long thought to be dead (take a number!) — is certain that Nurse Epiphany Johnson is good for the heartsickness that ails him.
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‘Shouldn’t We Be Talking About Sonny?’
Image Credit: ABC Yes, yes, we digress. Sonny’s firstborn, Port Charles PD detective Dante Falconeri — who conveniently looks the other way where Dad’s “coffee business” in concerned — is all boo’d up with his old man’s ex-lover, reformed con artist-turned-gumshoe Sam McCall.
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Like Mother, Like Daughter
Image Credit: ABC Sam’s mother, fiery Invader publisher, disgraced lawyer and ex-con Alexis Davis, has two other daughters, future RBG Molly Lansing (with Sonny’s half brother, Ric Lansing) and Kristina Davis (with Sonny himself).
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Abs… olutely!
Image Credit: ABC Molly’s honey is fine — very fine — upstanding, aspiring General Hospital doctor T.J. Ashford, the son of Sonny’s onetime muscle, Shawn Butler, and, ironically, Port Charles’ top cop…
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The Commish
Image Credit: ABC Jordan Ashford is charged with keeping law and order in Port Charles, a town where they’ve practically erected a statue to racketeer coffee importer Sonny. We would not want her job. Her cheekbones, yes. Her job… no.
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‘I Haven’t Seen You in… I Have No Idea How Long!’
Image Credit: ABC These days, if Sam wants to catch up with Kristina, all she has to do is swing by Charlie’s Bar. Not just for a drink, but because owner Phyllis Caulfield recently named the young woman manager.
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The Thin Line Between Love and Hate
Image Credit: ABC (2) Back to Alexis for a second… Despite her predilection for mobsters, she’s currently embroiled in a flirtation with Gregory Chase, the ex of journalist Jackie Templeton and the father of…
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Never Mind! Stop Everything!
Image Credit: ABC Because this is the cutest picture of all time. But beyond that, this is Gregory’s older son, Hamilton Finn, a doctor at General Hospital and the father of adorable Violet (with the MIA Hayden Barnes).
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Say Yes to the Dress?
Image Credit: ABC screenshot Finn is enamored of Cam’s mother, Nurse Elizabeth Webber, who since the death of husband Franco Baldwin and their “killing” of his murderer, Peter August, has been a little unstable. As in, she occasionally hugs her attire. See?
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‘In Fact, I *Am* That Cute’
Image Credit: ABC Finn’s kid brother, easy-on-the-eyes Harrison Chase, is one of Port Charles’ finest. As in, he’s a detective with the PCPD… at least when not suspended for one reason or another. He’s also drawn to drama. Which explains why he’s made a VIP in his life the one and only…
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BLQ
Image Credit: ABC Natural born pot stirrer Brook Lynn Quartermaine, the songwriter daughter of ELQ honcho Ned and the third of his many wives, onetime L&B Records founder Lois Cerullo.
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Papa’s Got a Brand-New Bag
Image Credit: ABC Ned, by the way, has formed a whole new family with Sonny’s babymama, Olivia Falconeri, and her son by the late Julian Jerome, lil’ Leo, who has autism. And also, it would appear, a keen willingness to hold one’s gaze.
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House Party
Image Credit: ABC For some reason, Ned, Olivia and a whole bunch of others live at the Quartermaine mansion, which Alan’s widow, fellow doctor Monica, will be quick to remind anyone within earshot is hers, damn it!
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Two for the Show
Image Credit: ABC No one has noticed that new Quartermaine on the block Austin Gatlin-Holt looks exactly like Liz’s last husband. Fashionista Maxie Jones is just glad that he isn’t as obviously evil as her last boyfriend, Peter August. That said, Austin and Franco could have been…
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Separated at Birth
Image Credit: Howard Wise/JPI This is was Franco. But let’s be real — it could just as well be and/or have been Austin. The same as Finn could pass for John McBain or Silas Clay… We just don’t talk about that stuff, and you shouldn’t, either.
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‘Peter Picked a Peck of What Now?’
Image Credit: Jill Johnson/JPI Among the first to smell a rat whenever Maxie’s late almost-husband entered the room was her former non-husband, Damian Spinelli. Kindly don’t call him geeky. He is, if anything, geektastic. Thank you.
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Here Comes Trouble
Image Credit: ABC Ever since he parachuted into the pool at the Metro Court, Dante’s old pal, Cody Bell, has been turning heads. Alas, smokin’ as he is, sometimes he’s been turning them… away. Meanwhile, he was recently revealed to be the son of Dominique Stanton, the late love of Scotty Baldwin (whom we’ll meet in a moment).
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Britch Over Troubled Waters
Image Credit: ABC Reformed Dr. Feel-Bad Britt Westbourne has thus far remained immune to Cody’s charms. But with limited options and his unlimited appeal… c’mon, you do the math. Mainly because, as previously admitted, we’re terrible at it.
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Does This Count as ‘Spooning’?
Image Credit: Sean Smith/JPI Britt’s longtime wingman is Brad Cooper — not Bradley, Brad. A former conniver, he, too, is now walking the straight and narrow after losing both his husband and his freedom by pretending Michael’s son was really his late, adopted one.
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A Woman Among Made Men
Image Credit: ABC screenshot Brad’s aunt, Mafia queenpin Selina Wu, would love nothing more than to involve him in the “family business.” OK, she might love to take over Sonny’s turf more, but that’s another matter altogether.
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What’s Up, Doc?
Image Credit: ABC screenshot Terry Randolph, Britt’s co-chief of staff at the hospital, is looking for love. It’s a bit trickier for her than most, however, as she’s an out and proud transgender woman in a world that isn’t always, or even often, welcoming.
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True Liesl
Image Credit: ABC Once upon a time, Britt’s mother, Dr. Liesl Obrecht, was the obsessive acolyte of supervillain babydaddy Cesar Faison. Nowadays, she’s — gasp — kinda… nice?!? And she’s head over heels in love, as anyone would be, with…
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The Long Arm of the Law
Image Credit: ABC He’s been naughty. He’s been nice. But one thing that smarter-than-the-average-bear attorney Scotty Baldwin has never been is boring. One doesn’t achieve iconic status by being meh.
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What Fresh Hell Is This?
Image Credit: Howard Wise/JPI (2) Lucy Coe hung up her devil’s horns ages ago. Now the question is, can she convince besotted barrister Martin Gray — who just happens to be Laura’s surprise half brother — to do the same so that the only Deception in their relationship is her company?
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‘I Love Ya, But You Still Need to Pay for Those Drinks’
Image Credit: ABC Back when Sonny was living in Nixon Falls as amnesiac Mike, he became close with Phyllis, who eventually relocated to Port Charles and took over Charlie’s Pub, the bar previously run by the mafioso’s late nemesis, Julian Jerome.
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Happy Valentin’s Day
Image Credit: ABC After years of miscommunication and animosity, onetime WSB operative and eternal badass Anna Devane surrendered to passion and struck up a romance with her longtime admirer…
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Mr. Just-Left-of-Right
Image Credit: ABC Valentin Cassadine is handsome, charming, rich, powerful… and so complicated that Rubik’s Cubes look at him and go, “[Bleep], we should’ve been more like that.” Making matters even more difficult for him and Anna is that he’s had to…
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Make Room for Daddy
Image Credit: ABC And Valentin’s surprise pop, Victor Cassadine, is only a hair less treacherous than, say, Princess Aura’s dad, Ming the Merciless.
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Ready, Steady, Go
Image Credit: ABC At least we can always count on Maxie’s mom and stepdad, Felicia and Mac Scorpio, to be the embodiment of love and marriage… that’s always on the verge of disaster, thanks to their proximity to any number of baddies.
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Case Closed
Image Credit: Walt Disney Television Law & Order’s Jack McCoy has nothing on Robert Scorpio, the former WSB spy who’s become the district attorney of Port Charles… um, when we weren’t looking. But whatevs!
