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Deconstructing DOOL: Oddities We’ve Seen Watching Days That Happen Only in Salem

days column only in salem feb 20 20 days of our lives

Image: Jill Johnson/JPI

In 2009 I began our ‘Only in Salem’ series. In the first, we talked about the irksome things about our soap operas that some also found to be charming. Then a few years later came what every soap opera lover should know before tuning in, which is a guide of sorts for new viewers to explain the oddities they’ll expect to see and to suggest that the only way to watch soaps is to go with the flow. Recently, the Soaps.com posters started a tongue-in-cheek thread appropriately titled, things we learn watching Days of our Lives, which struck a chord and sparked this new discussion about what new oddities happen in our favorite fictional town.

Only in Salem…

With people being constantly impersonated around town, there oddly doesn’t seem to be any reason to automatically assume someone is a doppelganger when they’re acting out of character. Marlena, Hope, Nicole, Steve… nicole is kristen days of our lives

Strangely enough, the only hospital in town doesn’t have security cameras or doesn’t use them – unless the plot requires them, like this week when Rafe got a hold of the footage outside of Kayla’s office and saw her leaving with “Steve” in scrubs.

Salemites don’t bother with pesky things such as background checks, even if they’re ex FBI and a cop who knows the risks. Rafe only checked out Evan when he petitioned for adopting baby David, which obviously means Evan is no good.

More than a few Salemites aren’t the healthiest when it comes to relationships and some ‘don’t need no’ stinkin’ friends outside of the partner they’re with.

A Salemite can escape being prosecuted on any charge, aiding and abetting a criminal, beating up a Salem cop, murder, and attempted murder. Ain’t no thang. We know Gabi won’t do time for using a murder app on Julie because she’ll donate bone marrow to Mickey in exchange for her freedom.kate visits gabi jail days of our lives

In Salem, you can graduate high school and become the CEO of one of the biggest companies in the world with no training or education whatsoever. Just marry into the family.

Spent time in prison? You can still become CEO of a conglomerate. Uneducated? No problem.

Salemites leave their cell phones lying around without having any form of security on them such as a retinal scanner or fingerprint scanner. You know, so it’s easily hacked when the plot needs it to be.

Only in Salem would a CEO make a boatload of money but live in dinky rooms in hotels such as Salem Inn or above the Brady’s Pub. Kate has money enough to buy a few houses but hasn’t had one since the 90s. Kristen lives at Salem Inn when her family home has five wings, and Brady, wait, where does Brady live these days?

It’s hard to find good security in Salem. Expect that if your head of security calls about a light on in the Gatehouse that you’ll be expected to do their job and check it out. But only when a fugitive is at large. Now if Ben was a DiMera, he’d be able to sneak around Salem without being caught for months on end.

We’ve recently learned that in Salem – or Statesville, you can easily become prison cellmates with your attempted murderer. And, within a few months, you can become besties with him and even defend his life against his abusive father.  will defends ben days of our lives

We’ve learned something that Salemites haven’t clued in to –  that if your baby has a disease or some childhood disorder that you should automatically assume your baby was switched with another.

Things move fast in Statesville prison. You can be sent to prison and after a short few months into your sentencing, receive word that you’re going to be put to death two weeks later.

Serial killers with severe mental imbalances can get cleared for release in a couple of months. Soon after they can find housing, romance, gainful employment, and a stable social network. No sweat!

In Salem you can get a heart transplant several days or weeks after you need one, even if you’re in your 80s, though in reality it can take years or may never happen.julie flatlines days of our lives

This has been noted in the past but bears repeating. Salemites should never trust DNA testing, but somehow, they get amnesia when it comes to how many times a person has switched babies or DNA results. Even if it’s done twice at University Hospital or at the Fairway Urgent Care Clinic in Brookville.

Characters always flee to one of two places – Prague or Canada, when they’re being pursued by the authorities.

Characters fake heart attacks. Julie did it three times in one year. Yet half of Salemites were upset with Gabi when she didn’t react to Julie’s real heart attack. How could she have known? Julie’s a good actress.

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