Salem Shenanigans from June 22 – 26:

You’re entering an all-expense paid trip to the rant-zone. Buckle your seatbelts. You’re in for a ride.

He has returned.
Stefano finally returned to Salem which is great, but seriously it took him this long to grease some judge’s palm to get his tax evasion charges dropped? Even Rafe and Hope wondered, “Why did he wait until now?” We’re guessing it’s all about “The Abigail Deveraux situation.” I can’t help but speculate that this has something to do with The Phoenix wanting another DiMera heir.

Abs.
I don’t dislike Abigail, in fact she has never really irritated me. Some of her clothing raises my right eyebrow from time to time but still, it’s really a stretch to understand why Chad loves her since she has always been written so one dimensional. I can’t deny that his assessment of her is right, that if he wanted her he could have had her again in a heartbeat even on the DiMera grass with Ben eavesdropping. Either she doesn’t know how to be true to herself or she’s the type who is never satisfied and will always be looking to find the greener grass. Too bad there isn’t any. And now she has moved in with Ben and both are keeping huge secrets from each other. Her that she’s a cheating liar and his secret is that he’s a creepy stalker. Bedding her and then whispering, ‘she’s mine again’ reeks of desperation. It’s been hard enough suspending disbelief that Chad’s a badass DiMera overnight but turning Ben into a stalker when we barely know him anyway, makes it impossible to know if he’s a good guy who’s just insecure or if he’s quickly becoming another Liam Frasier. How is anyone supposed to get behind this couple when things have gotten this bad? They’re not exactly Bo and Hope.

Bev doesn’t waste any time.
Bev didn’t waste more than three seconds making out with JJ after hearing he and Paige were history because he did Paige’s mamma. Did that somehow turn Bev on? I mean who in the world is that desperate that after they hear that news they want in on that action? Gross. And Paige who has been hurt more than anyone in Salem possibly ever has, already has a Tinder profile and is swiping right? Is she seriously of the same mind as Ben that she has to find someone to screw the JJ out of her?

Death makes people do stupid things.
Last week in Deconstructing DOOL I complained that the writers rewrote the Ericole scenes from last January when the duo was gassed by Chyka. This week, Eric and Nicole stared death in the face and made out and groped each other despite it. They also admitted they believe to be the love of each other’s lives. Then they promptly passed out and Danny-boy came to the rescue. Instead of pulling their hot bodies (in more than one way) out into the cool air, Daniel held Nicole close to him, sharing his own body heat. When he realized she had no pulse, he shared his new CPR technique.

1) If there are no signs of life, yell at patient.
2) If patient does not respond, start CPR.