New club. (NBC Universal Inc.)

Salem Shenanigans from January 12 – 16:

I love “Days,” whether or not they’re having issues and right now, there are mountains of them. There’s a rant bubbling up inside me this week that’s about to erupt.

Go back to Poplar Bluff.
Clyde had run-ins with Rafe, Victor, and Jordan this week and we’re waiting on the edge of our seats until somebody finally offs the hillbilly. This is why “Days” should stop taping six months in advance. They need to know when to cut their losses quickly, before they lose viewers. The big shocker of the week was that Jordan forgot her mamma was pregnant with Clyde’s hillbilly spawn when she died and Clyde thinks she killed them on purpose. When we have never been introduced to the mother and most viewers cannot stand the rest of the family, it makes a big reveal such as that fall a little flat. The whole two hours that Jordan “went missing” had Anne and Abigail in a tizzy and Ben worrying his sister wouldn’t forgive him for not revealing something he legally could not reveal. Yawn. The whole ‘Clyde’s a horrible villain’ but we’ve never actually seen it makes us as blasé as Abigail about Jordan moving on and accepting that it doesn’t really matter who donated the cash but that it’ll do some good to seniors who can’t get to a doctor for medical assistance. Anne and Kate were the only two who made these scenes even bearable to watch.

Go back to Europe.
This Serena character is just as boring as the hillbillies from Poplar Bluff. Is it wrong that all I wanted Nicole to do at the new club opening was to pull Serena’s red hair out by the roots? Does anyone care about the photo of the King Vulture or why she has the half nude photo of Eric in bed?

Rather chew glass.
John and Marlena got two whole minutes of airtime this week because the hillbillies took up the rest of the week, and all they discussed was the possibility of retirement and Marlena repeating her same old line about how she’d “rather chew glass.” At least John accepted the job with SPD which could mean the possibility of decent storylines ahead for him and Hope and John reconnecting as partners.

Career change could be fun.
Some are finding themselves glad Rafe lost his job, figuring he might be able to have a more exciting life as a nightclub owner or at least be seen more than the hillbilly clan. Maybe.

Make it stop.
Just when we thought we might see the last of the awkwardness between Brady and Melanie there’s seemingly no end in sight. This can’t go on. Either they need to get over how ‘weird’ it is that they’re into each other or just go back to being friends. Brady’s too old for this childishness. And Maggie berating the two for dating just made things worse.

Wardrobe leaves a lot to be desired.
From Will’s ugly flowered shirts and vests, Paige’s grandma clothes, Melanie’s 80s off the shoulder sweater dresses, her 90s cowgirl outfits and too ridiculously high heels, Eve’s 90s ratty, groupie, bedazzled, horrifically beaded, skintight dresses and teeny matchy matchy jackets, Anne’s unlimited supply of wrap dresses, Serena’s trashy red or blue sparkly skintight dresses, to the tacky lace blouses, Nicole just may be the best dressed, even in feathers. Who misses Sami’s wardrobe?