Someone Slashed my Poor Pookie's hot Poker in two!

Tuesday, April 8th, 2008

A drunken Eve tries to put Julian back together, Theresa vows revenge on Gwen, Ethan confides in Gertrude, Rebecca reaches out to Julian.

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At the mansion, Gwen and Ethan tell the disguised Theresa all about the children. Little Ethan stares at Theresa, wondering where he's seen this bizarre looking woman before. Ethan informs her that Little Ethan's mother recently died and the boy suddenly blurts out, "Mom!" Ethan is baffled by this. Gertrude explains that the boy is just answering a question she asked him earlier; he was just telling her that he got his eyes from his mother. Rebecca hopes that's all he got from Theresa and thinks Gertrude should be checked for lice. Ethan sends her out to wait in the hall while they make a decision. He thinks she's perfect and the women go along with it. Ethan kneels down and asks his son if he's okay with this. "I think Gertrude will be the best nanny ever," he says. That's good enough for Ethan so they call Gertrude back in to tell her the news.

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As the adults leave to prepare a list of her responsibilities, Little Ethan asks Gertrude if she is really Theresa. She admits it, but tells him that they have to keep this a secret. She spends some time looking at his homework before the boy runs off to get something. Ethan sits down with her and tells him how happy he is that they are getting along. He explains that he is adopting the boy and he needs the boy to get extra attention to cope with losing his mother. The children are all that he has left of Theresa, he says sadly while Theresa puts her hand on his knee. She pulls away and apologizes. He says it's okay and she asks him to tell her what Theresa was like. "She was destructive... like a force of nature... but beautiful on so many levels... I don't think I'll ever get over her," he says, unable to understand why he is opening up to Gertrude like this. "I feel like I've known you for a long time," he says. She promises to love his children like her own flesh and blood. Little Ethan returns and takes her to his room.

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In the hall, Rebecca wonders why Gwen seems so concerned about Gertrude, the new "plain and frumpy" nanny. Gwen is worried that Gertrude will give the children nightmares. Rebecca thinks she should be happy that Ethan will be able to resist being tempted by the hired help. She tells her daughter that this will be the perfect time to seduce Ethan back. Suddenly, her phone starts to vibrate her cleavage. She answers, only to be informed that Julian has been rushed into surgery. When she hears what is being reattached, she collapses in shock. "Someone slashed my poor pookie's hot poker in two!" she gasps. Julian is his penis, she explains to her daughter. Why couldn't they have just cut off his arm or something he doesn't need? The wheels start to turn though and Rebecca realizes she may be able to turn this to her advantage and reunite with him, convincing everyone that he still works as well as ever, as long as the price is right. She perkily runs off.

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Gwen returns to Ethan and he reminds her that Gertrude will not be a substitute to either of them. She just wants them to be a happy family again. He insists they will be. "I want to make you happy in every way," she smiles, kissing him. Theresa walks down the stairs and spots them. "You think you can feed me to the sharks and get away with it? I will make sure karma comes to bite you big time," she vows.

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A nurse wanders into the operating room to ask the drunken Eve if she is really up to performing the surgery to reattach Julian's penis. Vincent insists that she's up to the task and explains that Eve is just preparing for her role, like an actor. "Right now Dr. Russell looks like she's playing a drugged out doctor on TV," the nurse quips. Vincent says that anyone who's watched Eve over the years knows this is par for the course; she put John Wayne Bobbitt back together and he became a porn star, he explains. Eve stumbles back over to the operating table. "What am I doing again?" she asks. Vincent starts instructing her. When she starts to prepare the body, Vincent plays with the box holding the organ. "People think I'm weird down there... wait until they get a look at the new and redesigned Julian," he thinks to himself, pleased to finally get his revenge.

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Once Eve has prepped the area, she announces that she will be putting the penis back where it belongs. Vincent pulls out his tongs and takes it off the ice. The nurse is impressed at the sight of it and Eve almost launches into some anecdotes. "Valerie doesn't remember it being this big," Vincent thinks. They stand around admiring the member while Vincent explains that they need to "downsize" the organ to make the operation go smoothly. "Come here my old friend," Eve says, grabbing it while Vincent asks her if she wants a cleaver or saw. They pull put the cutting board and cleaver and start to chop. "The skill of a surgeon, the eye of a gourmet butcher," Vincent says, offering the nurse the leftover scraps for her dog. Eve starts to reattach it upside down but nothing is fitting together and the urinary tract is sewn on upside down. Eve says that, at least, Julian was always agile and hopes that he doesn't get aroused and explode before the surgery is complete. It still doesn't look right to her. "It's much smaller now," Vincent reminds her. After finishing her stitching, Eve becomes disoriented. The nurse takes Vincent aside and they continue arguing. He threatens to have her charged with malpractice and throws her out the door. Vincent assures his mother that Julian will be better than ever. Working with Julian's penis has obviously worn her out so he sends her off for a nap.

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Luis and Fancy hurry into the hospital. Sam informs them about the injury that Julian has suffered. Pretty runs in next, stopping Sam mid sentence to ask him which organs of her father's were attacked. Everyone tries to guess which organ until Sam finally blurts out that Julian's penis was severed. Pretty is shocked that Eve is being allowed to operate on her father. Sam explains what happened, or what they know about it, which isn't much of anything since Esme passed out and Julian isn't conscious. Pretty wants to help out; she can really relate to her father now that he's hideously disfigured too. Later, Sam and Luis leave the sisters behind to do some police work. Fancy accuses her sister of just being there to get her claws into Luis and warns her to back off. "You don't have a chance with Luis." Fancy insists. Pretty tells her that she's right and she knows that she's never had a chance with Luis. All the while, she knows that Luis is having a baby with her and won't have one with Fancy as long as he thinks she's crazy. "He was just being kind when he told me that he loved me. I took his pity the wrong way," Pretty assures her sister, who remains skeptical.

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Sam and Luis wander around the hospital, trying not to think about what happened to Julian. Luis asks Sam if Ivy would be happy to hear about this. Sam doesn't think so. They return to Fancy. As Sam goes off, Fancy kisses Luis and tells him that she loves him and feels like all the dark clouds hanging over them are gone. She thinks that she should go to the gift shop and buy a get-well gift for her father. Meanwhile, Pretty bribes a nurse to take care of something for her. "Don't mess this up honey. The future depends on it," she says. She wanders down the hallway to Luis and Fancy and then faints at their feet.

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Rebecca arrives in Julian's hospital room. Pulling up a chair, she pays her respects to his "violated happy place" and vows to bring Little Julian back. She admits that she's still attached to the little guy, even if he is barely attached to Julian anymore. "I will be there for you and Little Julian both," she says. Meanwhile, Vincent watches and laughs, sure that even Rebecca will be shocked by the freakish new face of the little guy. Rebecca pulls out her flashlight and takes a peek under the blankets. She quickly realizes that it is much smaller and upside down. She collapses on top of him as Eve walks in.

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Next on Passions:

Theresa gets out the itching powder.

Ethan and Gwen's lovemaking is sabotaged.

Noah refuses to lose Paloma.

Roberto pulls Paloma into a kiss.

Rebecca slaps Eve for what she's done to Julian's penis.

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