Jason let Sam know that he wanted to be there for her, but that he just didn’t know if she wanted him to be there. I thought it was necessary that Jason began by apologizing to Sam, and sincerely expressing his regret that the baby is gone, because Sam has to hear it enough times to try and erase that she “heard” him say he wanted her baby gone. How crucial it was that Jason gave Sam the opportunity to talk, to let out what she was bottling up inside, and that he listened. It was what she needed as we heard when she talked about the baby being buried next to her daughter, and how she didn’t feel the peace that the flowers seemed to bring to Molly. I loved that Sam asked Jason if he remembered it being winter, because I thought it was an acknowledgment on her part that Jason has gotten her through the worst of times before. I know it doesn’t seem like a lot, but considering everything that’s gone on, I think we have to take that as a positive sign, and we have to hold onto it.
I loved that Jason’s protector instinct kicked in and he asked her where her mother and sisters were, but I thought it spoke volumes that Jason would show up at the precise moment that Sam realized she didn’t really want to be alone. How very fortuitous, as it gave them some much-needed time to themselves. (Though 5 minutes of JaSam scenes were not nearly enough time for the rest of us!) There were moments that may have escaped our notice if not careful, such as the fact that we watched Jason do something he has rarely ever done. You see, Stone Cold deals in hard facts and absolutes. You hear him remind Sam that he usually doesn’t think about things that didn’t happen, or wonder how things could have been different, but now he can’t stop. Why? Because when it comes to the love of his life, he can do things he never could before. Like forgive. Like wonder. Like believe. Like fight for love. Like dally in What Ifs. I don’t care what anyone thinks is happening between Jason and Sam. When a man like Jason Morgan is struggling to stop replaying scenarios and regrets over and over, you know that he is consumed with love. It was such a heartbreakingly sad list to have to hear Jason recite, because all of those What Ifs were possible, if only he had taken the time to do with Sam what he was doing with her at the cemetery. This only inspired Sam to share her own tragic list of What Ifs, and her pain over what they’d lost because it was palpable. But…“What Good Did It Do?” for either of them to talk about how different things could have/would have/should have been if…If…IF!!! It seemed to make it even harder for them to come to grips with what actually did happen, but it also showed that Jason knows words have very little weight, but he so wanted for Sam to know that he truly meant them. *quickly wipes tears to hide JaSam weakness*
I am not sure that they were truly of any genuine comfort to Sam, but it did get them talking about everything leading up to the funeral, where Molly read the poem that ended with, “Don’t stand at my grave and cry. I am not there. I did not die.” The way Jason covered Sam’s hand as she was reading it, and the way he immediately went to her, telling her that he wanted to help her through this, before he asked her if she would, was what Sam needed to hear, even if she couldn’t answer. His concern for Sam’s well-being was genuine; I don’t think anyone – even Sam would argue that, but that doesn’t make it any easier for her to trust again, while in so much pain. When he told her that staying at the hotel couldn’t be good for her, and Sam said if he was worried about John, he was gone, Jason didn’t even hesitate when he told her he was worried about her.
You could see the sadness and regret in Jason’s eyes when Sam informs him that she is staying with her family, because family is what he and Sam should have been. Should be. You could hear the need and the love in his voice when he tells Sam that no matter what has happened, he is still her husband. And when Jason said, “Just come home with me,” my Jason-hardened heart began to melt! You could see him breathing as though he might stop at any second if she said, “No”, and it made my own heart flutter as I waited for her answer, even though I know what it would be. That’s probably because knowing Jason the way most of us do, we know just how inexperienced he is at this, and how hard fighting like that was for Jason. And knowing Sam the way most of us do, we all know how equally hard it was for Sam to not crawl across that stone bench, climb into his lap, and whisper, “Take me home.” Not because she is ready to forgive and forget, or to go on as though how Jason behaved doesn’t matter. But because it was in that warm, safe circle of Jason’s arms that Sam was able to survive and eventually heal from the loss of her daughter. Don’t think even for a minute that she isn’t longing and aching for the kind of comfort and strength she knows only her husband could give her! But… “What Good Did It Do?” Sam to know that? She also knows that so much has happened, that the heart-stopping pain she is feeling isn’t what can bridge this divide between them right now. Not having her son in her arms is something that she can not trade for having Jason instead. And who could blame her? There is no greater loss.
Jason wasn’t giving in that easily. He told Sam that he loved her and that he believed she loved him too. And Sam, *sobbing* bless her heart, told him that she promised to love him forever, and that she would, but…
To which Jason answered, rather fiercely, “Then come home! Come home!” Jason’s desperation was unmistakable, as was the fact that Sam was painfully torn. But her “but” was one that Jason hasn’t processed yet. For Sam, she cannot go back home as though nothing has happened. And though Jason thinks “It happened, but they can move on from it together.” And then he said, “Please”, the way only Jason Morgan could.
It still wasn’t enough to sway Sam, but it was enough to make her run, rather than having to continue to face him with all of those warring emotions running around in her head and heart. Again, who can blame her?
That’s gotta be one helluva war.
I think the crux of the problem leading to even more angst going forward will be the fact that Sam couldn’t tell Jason that she was willing to try. But you know what? Jason had to try, and he has to keep trying, because Sam is worth fighting for, and he knows it!
I haven’t asked this question in a couple of years, but I find myself having to ask it now. “What Good Did It Do?” to tear Jason and Sam apart with so much angst and pain and heartache? *shakes head* The only answer that could possibly make sense to me would be that they had to be torn apart in order to be put back together stronger. Wiser. Greater. And More In Love.
I hope you wrote that down, Mr. Carlivati!
Hold on for dear LOVE, JaSammers! Don’t let anything shake, rattle or roll you over! (We’ve already held on through so much!)
Love you all,