He's Not My Cake.

Sunday, October 23rd, 2011

While visiting her family in the Poconos, Kelly's surprised by Mike's presence, and JP is grilled about proposing to Farah.

He's Not My Cake. image

Outside their home, Brandon lets Nadia know he's going to trim their trees back. She doubts his ability so he climbs the tree to show her how easy it'll be. She's strangely turned on by it. Later, she receives a call from her agent asking her to sing the national anthem for the San Diego Padres. Mortified, she remembers screwing it up the last time but agrees to consider it. Later on, Brandon wanders in on Nadia and her mother guzzling back the wine. Fary sneers at Brandon while Nadia tells them about her call. Fary offers to get her a voice coach to prepare. After all, her father's watching over her. This makes both ladies tear up and Nadia finally agrees to do it.


Kelly's flight is delayed. She figures it's a good reason for cocktails. The flight leaves after five hours. She arrives in the Poconos and at her parents' place. Her mother is concerned about how skinny she is. They place bets on her weight but Kelly loses after she steps on the scale and shocks herself by learning she's only 92 pounds. They discuss her dismal romantic life and she makes her sister almost hurl after joking she needs a guy who is really well hung. Her mother suggests she do "The Bachelorette" but Kelly doesn't find her very humorous. Later, the sisters get into Kelly's bed and make fun of how her bones protrude from her body. Again, Kelly hopes she doesn't see her ex-boyfriend. Her mother thinks that it's probably one of the hardest things to go through, ending an 18 year marriage. Not cancer or losing one's sight or anything pesky like that. In the evening, Kelly and her family pay a visit to the local bar, where Mike is. She asks what he's doing there. This is his hangout...as if she didn't know. Things are awkward. He does all of the talking. He wants her, she's the love of his life, he's done a lot of reflecting...Kelly tears up and calls talk sh*t. They rehash their past together and how he wasn't supportive. He killed her soul, she says melodramatically. She wishes him luck and they hug and part ways. Her mom steps in and puts the smile back on her face with a few platitudes.


JP and Farah head out to Kentucky. She explains how her father got her on Bourbon when she was five and JP of course doesn't bat an eyelash. Once there, they do a photo shoot for Bourbon together. Victoria, Farah's sister lets her know that an obsessed fan stopped by. Farah's hesitant and once she sees her groans. "Oh God." She remembers the fan, who is nice, but a little over-zealous. Farah tells the story of Nadia tweeting her location to thousands of people and how shocked they all were when this very same fan called the restaurant to talk to Nadia. Nobody saw it coming. Both she and JP greet the fan briefly and though it's spot on, Farah thinks it's 'cliche' to admit that without her fans she wouldn't have had such a long run on television. Later, Farah and her mother Lisa prepare a gourmet meal consisting of canned goods while Lisa bitches Farah out about living in sin.


Nadia's vocal coach arrives at her place and teaches her to squeeze her butt while singing. He seems to think she sounds better after she gives it a go, so they all pile into the car and head to the game in bumper-to-bumper traffic. If Nadia's nerves aren't bad enough, Fary makes a jab at Brandon's driving skills. They make it there with a whole 45 seconds to spare. Nadia's suited up in a jersey and sings the national anthem without any flubs.

After the game, Brandon makes a comment about Nadia not knowing how to relax when he finds her in bed studying a script. He's thrilled to have made it through one day without Fary bad-mouthing him and gives Nadia a framed photo of her with her father the year before he died. She weeps happily. She appreciates him and tells him to go get naked.


JP goes golfing with Farah's father, the snappy dresser, who practically begs JP to marry his daughter. After spewing obscenities at his lack of talent on the green, JP offers to marry Farah if her father can make the next put. JP rants about not wanting to bring his children up in the eyes of God and he doesn't want to wear a wedding band. Most guys get strippers but JP declares, "I'm getting a vasectomy on my bachelor party."

Farah and her father settle in at a bar for some Bourbon, before he reminds her that her biological clock is ticking and he doesn't want to have to depend on her little sister for grandkids. No pressure. Farah doesn't see herself having kids anytime soon, nor is she even certain she's ready to be married just yet. "He's not my cake." He's the icing. Greg mutters something about a Bourbon and KFC making him happy. Afterward, Farah takes JP away to 'absorb their situation'. She confesses she knows her family is pressuring him. She feels 'not all the way bad' but just a little bit. She makes a crack about this being what adults discuss, but it's lost on him. He's too busy staring at her beauty.


Back in the Poconos, Kelly would love to visit her family more often but she needs to close this chapter of her life and needs their support. Her mother agrees to cut off contact with Mike. They share a hug.


Next week on "Dirty Soap:"

Fary complains about Nadia and Brandon's cheesy photo shoot.

Galen is lectured by Jenna after he makes his kid cry during a Karate lesson.

Farah fills JP in on upcoming surgery she needs after having a biopsy taken.

Feel free to leave a comment about your take on tonight's "Dirty Soap."

Christine's Critique:

For someone who isn't accustomed to watching reality TV a habit, I found the episode dizzying. To start with, neither JP nor Farah seemed to - at least in this episode - want to marry or have kids anytime soon. JP seems to be rebelling against Farah's father because he's tired of the same argument. Farah contradicts herself in each episode, which is the one constant. She almost seems to sneer at her fans yet for the camera interviews, she admits they're the only reason she has been on television this long. It was absolutely absurd that they were shocked that a fan would call the restaurant after Nadia tweeted her exact location. I'm not sure what's more sad, Farah insulting JP about not being a grown-up or JP not even cluing in.

As for Brandon and Nadia, I don't know how either of them put up with Fary. Not only does she lay it on way too thick about Nadia's father but she's really disrespectful to both Nadia and Brandon. We made it through another episode of Brandon making a wise crack to Nadia about her not knowing how to relax.

I'm sure Kelly's weight loss has everything to do with the break-up. I was expecting more of a showdown between Kelly and Mike but instead found several sweet scenes between Kelly and her mother.

Thoughts? Go ahead and leave a comment.

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- Christine Fix

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